I feel so so sad for the families of the victims. I know what a long, hard, never ending journey grief is. It sucks. Hard. I also feel sad for the shooter. What a sad and seemingly hopeless life he must have been leading to take the lives of his mother, 20 children and 7 teachers and administrators. I also don't understand why the media even reports his name. I get that everyone wants to know why. WHY would someone kill innocent children? It makes no sense. I just don't think we should report the names of these sick people. Don't give them any infamy. It's gross.
So right after Vivian died I couldn't watch or read about reports of child abuse or the abduction/murder/anything of a child. I was so mad. It seemed like there were so many news reports of mothers or fathers abusing or killing their own children. Why wouldn't these children who were abused/tortured/murdered be taken in their sleep instead of being subjected to such atrocities instead of mine who was loved, cherished and so SO wanted? I know why.
Because life isn't fair. I was told over and over again as a child that 'life isn't fair' when I tried the 'but it isn't FAIR' argument with my parents. It's true. Life just isn't fair.
This year has been particularly hard on me. On Saturday it will be 5 years since Vivian died in her sleep. I haven't been able to get into the Christmas spirit. At all. It's been a tough one.
I remember after Vivian died when my Dad was undergoing testing due to the presence of choroid cysts in his eyes. I thought surely the test would come back 100% normal because we already had our fair share of getting shit on in life. Well well....not so fast. It turns out he had lung cancer. My workout 6 days a week, non smoking Dad had freaking lung cancer. Talk about unfair. Was it because I wasn't a good enough Catholic? Because I married an Atheist? WHY? Turns out there is no why. Life isn't fair. And sometimes it sucks. BUT but but....we HAVE to make the most of it and live. LIVE this life to the absolute fullest. Make memories. Just do it. Throw caution to the wind. Have your heart broken into a million pieces. Again. Because you know what? It's worth it. It really is.
I'm trying to think of my life not as unlucky, but as absolutely blessed and lucky. I am lucky enough to have given birth to 3 gorgeous babies. I had 2 fantastic, wonderful, amazing years with Vivian. I have already had that and more with my precious Isabel and Logan. My Dad just had another clear CT scan. I have wonderful friends who would do anything for me and my family. I have a loyal dog who is defying the odds of doggie life. I have a family that I can count on no matter what. They have my back and are ALWAYS in my corner. And I have an amazing husband who gets up with our kids at night and who still puts up with my shit. I'm truly a lucky girl.
So on this 'eve of the end our our existence' or something. I must give thanks. I'm still pretty pissed at God and I'm sure he's not to thrilled with me right now, but I thank God, the Earth, Science, anything/everything for my blessings.
Here are some pictures from the kid's holiday parties today.
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