The night before

I realize I haven't posted anything about Izzy's party.  I will.  This week has been tough.  I totally blocked out the fact that Logan is scheduled for a brain MRI and EEG tomorrow.  I was so preoccupied with Izzy's bday that I sort of blocked it out.  Well, it's here.  It started at 8:15am todaybwith calls from the anesthesiology group and the hospital.  2k later and I think we're all set up for tomorrow.  I downloaded about 7000mb of movies and tv shows.

I wasn't really excited and sure about doing these tests, but after discussing it with Brian I think it's the right thing to do.  He wants as much information as possible.  I tend to agree, but I am very hesitant to put a kid under general anesthesia for the results.  But...if we didn't have a history with Vivian maybe I wouldn't be so willing to go along with it. Since we do have that history I'm all for doing anything and everything we can to get as much info as we can.  Even if we have to sell our house to pay for all of this shit.

I won't lie, this week has been hard.  I've had a short temper and I'm tired after Izzy's party.  I'm tired of looking up medical record after medical record after medical record.  I'm tired of having to explain Vivian's death to people over and over and over again.  I am tired of Brian working until 10 pm or later.  It sucks.  But I am also appreciative that Logan is in generally good health, that we have health insurance and that Brian makes enough money to cover these ridiculous costs.  Yes, we might not be able to take a super fun (or any) trip that isn't subsidized, but, it's ok.  We've got each other and we've got good friends.  I had a good girlfriend offer to watch our kids so that we could go out today.  She's offered it before, but I think she heard the desperation in my voice today.  We might just take her up on it!  Being a parent is hard.  It's hard if you have one typically developing kid. If you have one not typically developing kid and one with life - threatening allergies?  Oh and you are dealing with the death of a child?  Good luck. It's in the hardest-shit-you-will-ever-deal-with-in-your- entire-life sort of hard. And I really hope you never have to know this sort of hardship.

I almost hit 'publish' twice but I haven't. It's hard putting yourself out there.  This is how I feel.  I must say, I'm so humbled by the love and support I've received from my friends and family today.  I put the call out and they circled the wagons. So THANK YOU!!!!!