Are you ok?

This little phrase from a couple of moms at soccer practice today.  Am I ok?  Sure, I mean, of course.  But I knew they could see my haggard face and tired eyes and knew that I was not 'ok.'  These sweet moms offered to take Isabel for play dates 'anytime!  We would be happy to!' They know the struggles I have been having with Logan.  They are so kind.  Things have caught up with me this week.  I'm tired.  Really tired.

Yesterday was a very bad day.  It started off with incredible frustration and fear over Logan's seeming lack of ability to remember a sight word.  One little sight word.  The weight of his diagnosis and disability just landed in me yesterday morning with a huge thud.  I kept hearing the words 'we may need to be realistic about his disability' over and over again in my head.  I was scared.

Fast forward to school drop off.  Here is a little back story.  So the first few weeks of school were very challenging getting Logan out of the car and into school.  That is putting it very mildly.  Usually I was lugging him like a sack of potatoes over my shoulder while he was kicking/screaming/biting/scratching/pinching.  It got to be too much so one of his aides gave me a PPCD pass to drive in the staff parking lot and directly drop Logan off with his aide in the morning.  I usually walked Izzy in after handing Logan over.

Fast forward to yesterday.  This (I'm not going to use the adjective I want to, but it rhymes with snitch) from the front office is out back (PPCD drop off) barking orders and basically telling everyone what to do.  Logan's aide comes to get Logan and warns me.  Then she comes over and basically talks to me like a 6 year old about how dropping off here was 'a courtesy for PPCD kids.'  And some other shit, but I stopped listening and just nodded my head.  She wanted me to drop Logan off and go back and park and walk Izzy in.  No bitch.  No.

What I wanted to say, but didn't, goes something like this:

Fuuuuuuuuuck you!  A courtesy?!  A COURTESY?!  How about if I just utilize the bus service provided to kids with disabilities and have Logan ride the bus to school with a full time aide?  That way I'm taking up a hell of a lot more resources than just 7 feet of curb space you've provided me as 'a courtesy.'  You're welcome.

Ugh.  So that shouldn't have put me in a (for lack of a better word) tizzy, but it did. I was really upset.  Not to mention the fact that I'm up at the school busting my ass routinely to help out the teachers, etc  and I feel like I had just been shat on.

Deep breaths.  I'm feeling much better.  Tomorrow is track and field day at school and I'll be there all.day.long.  Logan's aides are both out and they were all 'sooooo....are you volunteering to help tomorrow?'  Yep.  I'll be there.  With bells on.