White Noise

I was trolling around the internet and looked up to find completely clean, clear white countertops. Ahhh...This is so relaxing to me. It's one of my love languages, for sure. Brian knows that I can't function surrounded by chaos. By necessity I'm forced to a lot of the time just because I have two small children and not a lot of free time to clean. But but but, I LOVE a clean and organized house. Even if it's only this way from 9pm until 7am.

I was always sort of claustrophobic, but, the incident that made me a certifiable nut was this one time at the City Museum (fantastic place) in St. Louis, MO. My sister and I decided to go in this tunnel thing under the floor of the museum. It was about as wide as I am and you had to go down a hole to start making your way through the tunnel. It was going ok. There were these strange low level red lights leading the way. I just kept thinking about how much concrete was around and above me. Well, we go about 1/2 way through the tunnel and the bottom started to rise. It rose so much that I had to army crawl my way through it. My head was touching the top. It was insane. I started to freak out and frantically try to get out. My sister was in front of me and heard me begging her to 'hurry up and get the f#$^ out!" Well, she did until the very end. I didn't know it was the very end when this happened. So when you get to the end you have to jump up to get out. Well, Jenn was laughing so hard that she couldn't get out. I was getting more and more hysterical thinking that we were stuck in this crazy insane tunnel thing. I was really really freaking out. If she would have just told me we were at the end and she just had to jump u p to get out I would have been ok, but I thought we were going to die stuck in this stupid tunnel thing. She was laughing so hard at me that she couldn't climb out! Once I realized how close I was to getting out I felt a little silly, but that event was enough to do it. I was claustrophobic for life. I mean even the thought of this tunnel starts my breath quickening and my pulse racing. I had to have an MRI a few years ago and they had to almost put me out. Unfortunately it was an MRI that required me to hold my breath at certain time points, so I had to be semi conscious. I'm sure they laughed at me for weeks after that experience. Whatever drug they gave me to calm me down, I want some before I get on an airplane the next time!

So back to white noise. I have a huge problem going someplace, a store, a house, whatever, where there is clutter and just stuff all over the place. It makes my brain hurt. I just can't process it all and it makes me crazy. I can feel it coming, but can't stop it. If you are claustrophobic I'm sure you know the feeling. It's like you just can't get enough air and things are closing in on you. My Dad once described that he was lying in bed and had to go outside because he felt so closed in and then even outside it was like the stars were about to smother him. That describes it perfectly. You just can't have enough SPACE.

So, what got me thinking about this was the fact that we went to this big Christmas store today and it was jam packed with STUFF. Everywhere. And I loved it. I don't know what it is, but there is something about Christmas that makes STUFF ok. I don't know if I just put it in this separate corner of my brain or what, but it's ok and I actually love it. I can't wait to get all of my stuff out and decorate. In fact, I'm decorating in my head right now. BUT when I do begrudgingly put all of my Christmas stuff away it is like a huge weight has been lifted. Ahh, clean and clear again.

So I'm not sure what the point of this post was. I was just sitting here looking at my 100% clean kitchen and smelling the fantastic smell of the shirt that was just delivered from my parents fresh from being hung out to dry on the line in Montana and smelling the goat's milk 'rain' lotion my mom brought back for me that made me think about how much I crave the simple, clean life. I have a long way to go, but baby steps.

I'm taking a huge load of old book to sell tomorrow and I can't wait. I purged the kids' rooms of clothes that don't fit tonight and it feels so good. I'm sure that I don't need that hard copy of "Fifty Shades of Gray," so off it goes.

And on an even greater side note. Brian and I won't be eating at that chicken place anytime again soon. I was sort of torn over the whole freedom of speech vs bigotry thing, but after discussing it with Brian we've both come to the 'please get politics out of my fast food' mentality that Colbert mentioned. It's so dumb. But we just won't/can't support a company that condones blatant bigotry and homophobic views. You do what you want and we'll do what we want. You give millions of $ to those type of hate groups that are trying to spread views that we disagree with and we'll just decide to not eat at your restaurant. End of story.